I met the friendliest cop last night
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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