"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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