My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
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