last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
