Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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