someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
