I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
