I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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