shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
