there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
