I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
