Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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