I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
