He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
