so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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