did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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