I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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