My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
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