Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize