I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
