do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
