Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
It was like giving head to a cactus.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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