he shaved USA in his pubs
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
