Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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