So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
