Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
