If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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