are you still at the devil's house?
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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