my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
