I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Farmville is her only friend.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Randomize
