So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
