tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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