She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize