this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
