Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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