Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
