Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
