I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
