Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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