Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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