you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
