dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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