Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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