I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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