My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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