Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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