Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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