Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
