I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
