shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
