You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
How does it feel to date your dad?
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