We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i think i scared a bird with my dick
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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