New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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