There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
