I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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