Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
