Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
