my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
