ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize